Tell me more. I am curious….  I am interested….  I am wondering what you are thinking/doing…. It seems to me you are saying/what you did….  I hear you saying. (paraphrase)….  I wonder why you did/said….

A way of listening that invites the other person to respond as they choose–or not to answer at all. They are statements that give permission to answer or not. They leave space for the other to know you are thinking of them. They create space for the other to ponder the question at another time.

These calmly spoken statements are not questions. They are not demands. They avoid Yes and No answers. They offer a choice of whether or not to respond. They tell the other person that you are thinking of them, what they have done or said. They appreciate and respect the other person’s boundaries. They are open-ended. They suggest spaciousness and graciousness, honoring the other person’s choice, yet letting them know you are thinking about them even when you are away from one another. They are not intrusive, yet they communicate attentiveness and interest.

Be curious. Let the other person know you care without being intrusive–or as many questions do, offer the possibility of non-starter Yes or No answers. These statements say I want to listen to you because I value you and think about you when you are not here. They are about listening to them first, not pushing your own agenda.

And they can also be used for your own reflection as you ponder these statements in an effort to discover more about your own thinking. Try writing out one of the statements; then write out your response. When we do this, we befriend ourselves as we want others to befriend us and as we want to befriend others.